Cabin Fever
by Eva Inevitable
Summary: A group of mercenaries attempt to assassinate Shepard in her cabin. They catch her at a slight disadvantage...But never underestimate the first human spectre. Inspired by early Mass Effect concept artwork. Implied Shenko.


**I do not own Mass Effect. This story is a bit of a laugh.**

Cabin Fever

Shepard entered her cabin massaging her right shoulder and rolling it back. The pain from her earlier heroic jump from the shuttle had finally caught up with her.

_What I need is a nice long relaxing shower, _she thought dumping her data pad onto the desk, along with her uniform before slipping in to take advantage of her superior shower that more than surpassed the inadequate ones the rest had to use in the crew's quarters. She almost felt bad for them. Almost. They were still docked at the Citadel so she had more than enough time before the next mission.

Shepard turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around herself, feeling much better and rejuvenated.

_Right. Back to work._

She was running through the mission brief she had to put together for Hackett, as the shower door slid open, when her thoughts were suddenly dispelled from her mind as she noticed that her bed was covered in "reinforced" glass and the window above it had been destroyed as if someone had crashed through it. Shepard's eyes swept the expanse of her cabin until they fell on a single armed mercenary nonchalantly peering into her fish tank, assault rifle hanging limply as he poked at her fish. He was armoured completely so Shepard couldn't see their face and she didn't recognise the insignia embedded on the helmet.

_He's messing with my fish. _

_Oh hell no._

That's when a second one decided to drop into her cabin. He straightened and stopped dead in his tracks upon spotting Shepard. Shepard stood, wrapped in a towel staring at the mercenary, who stared straight back in a flummox. No one moved.

Shepard blinked.

The mercenary stared.

The one by the fish tank turned around to address his associate. "Hey look at…what the-" Shepard hit him with her biotics before he even had time to react. To Shepard's vehement horror he went flying back and hit the tank. She groaned inwardly as she slid under her desk to avoid the shots from her second would-be-assassin.

_If my fish are harmed…_

Her model of the Flotilla Vessel and Alliance Cruiser clattered to the floor. Now they had gone too far.

Shepard's teeth grated together and a burst of sudden rage filled her. Gripping her towel she rolled from her cover and grabbed the M-8 Avenger from the incapacitated mercenary fish prodder, and swiftly fired back. Rolling to the side, the mercenary continued to fire. Shepard never once letting go of her towel, charged forward with her biotics and smacked full force into him. Finishing her attacker off with a final blow to the head, Shepard stood just in time to intercept a third attacker. She lurched forward, bending at the waist, and toppled him over his head into a fourth accomplice. She fired at their tangled bodies. Shepard stood once again staring up above for any more challengers.

That's when she heard the door of her cabin whooshing open and she turned to see just about the whole crew flood into the room. Walking towards them, authority radiating from her every step, Shepard was just about to start issuing orders when she suddenly remembered her current appearance. Seeing the shocked looks on each of their faces, made Shepard yelp out loud, incredibly out of character, as she wrapped the arm that wasn't holding the towel, around her torso. She looked over in desperation to her armour locker but the floor surrounding it was littered with shattered glass and in her current predicament, her feet were bare. Traynor had turned a deep beetroot colour, Liara was staring at the floor as she suddenly became very interested in her omni-tool, Garrus was shaking his head, Cortez was covering his mouth, attempting to hide a growing smile, Tali had her head in her hands, Kaidan's jaw was practically hitting the floor and James…James was grinning like an idiot.

_Dammit. I'm the commanding officer I will address my crew in a professional manner…besides I'm not that indecent…I'm covered…it's just like I'm wearing a dress…_

Taking a deep breath Shepard straightened. "The Normandy has been-"

"LOLA! You took out four armoured mercs…in a freaking towel! That's…that's _caliente," _drawled James.

"Oh Keelah," muttered Tali.

"Shepard does love to do things the hard way," Garrus quipped, with a laugh.

"Okay people laugh it up. Now-"

"Seriously how much do you think the galaxy would pay to see this…an extranet fetish site maybe," James proposed. That seemed to snap Kaidan from his daze as he promptly stepped in front of Shepard shielding her, from further, prying eyes. Shepard was silently thankful.

_My hero._

"Are you okay?" he asked. Shepard snorted. "Yeah taking out attackers while outnumbered and outgunned? Sure. This? Nope. But never mind me! Are the fish okay?"

"The…fish?" he asked puzzled.

"Aww Alenko you're no fun," James pouted, making a dismissive outward hand gesture.

"Glyph search for any traces of the insignia the attackers are wearing," said Liara scanning the fish prodder merc.

"Thank you Liara. Now-"

"Shepard, I've scanned the tank. No cracks. Your fish are fine," stated Tali lowering her omni-tool. Shepard sighed in relief.

"Thank you Tali. Now-"

"Is it true? Edi says Shepard took out intruders in her cabin?" interrupted Joker through the comn.

"In a towel, Joker. The woman has no limits," added Cortez with a wry smile.

"What?! No way!"

"Yes way Jeff," Edi clarified.

"Okay," said Shepard from behind Kaidan. "Can we just all-"

"Not good with sharing Alenko? Saving the show all for yourself?" chided a teasing James.

Kaidan's hackles quickly rose. "Did you just objectify your commanding officer, Lieutenant," Kaidan asked, a vicious edge to his words.

"No, not at all Major…we aren't all _you_, you know."

"Do you have a death wish Vega?" growled Kaidan.

"Try me _pendejo,_" baited James.

"ENOUGH!" yelled Shepard creating a silence for the duration of all about five seconds before everyone started talking over each other.

"Am I the only one even remotely concerned about how they managed to somehow get through something that can withstand the expanse of space?" asked Tali, but her wise words were drowned out.

"Oh Spirits," Garrus grumbled and moved towards Shepard.

"Garrus…What are you doing?" asked Shepard mildly worried. He hoisted Shepard over his shoulder and his feet crunched on the broken glass as he brought Shepard over to her armour and casual dress locker. Shepard would have to bow down to his superior turian sturdy feet. She immediately changed into her Alliance gear with a simple click of a button and felt her modesty instantly return.

"Vakarian, I am buying you a Black Widow sniper."

"You see? This is what friends are for. They're handy to have when you need them in life or death situations," Garrus said with a nod.

"Okay, everyone out! Show's over. Everyone who was helpful; Liara, Tali, Kaidan and Garrus I am buying you all drinks for helping your commander in her time of desperate need," Shepard stated. "As for the rest of you…should I question your loyalty?" Shepard managed to say with a straight face. "Although points for turning up so fast…after the threat had been dealt with."

"Oh the blows just keep on coming," intoned Joker through the comn.

"I'll go alert C-sec since we are still docked," piped up Traynor for the first time, sprinting from the cabin.

"Shepard, you know you'll have to add this to that mission report you had to do for Hackett right?" said Joker.

"Yeah…"

_So much for my relaxing shower._

_**Thank you for taking the time to read it and a review would be much appreciated. :) Undecided whether I should make this a oneshot or extend the storyline.**_

_***Paragon high five***_


End file.
